Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D - The Neufeld Institute
What the book is about
This book is about the pivotal importance of children's relationships to those responsible for them and the devastating impact in today's society of competing attachments with peers. However it is much more than a book on peer orientation: it is about parenting with relationship in mind. This book restores parents to their natural intuition, confronting such relationship devastating devices as time-outs and using what children care about against them. Offering effective strategies for preserving and restoring the child-to-parent relationship, this book provides refreshing natural alternatives to today's contrived methods of behaviour control. The content is relevant to parents of children of any age, from infants right through to adult children. Readers have commonly commented on how much hardship and confusion they could have avoided had this material been available to them right from the beginning.
How the book has been received
Hold On to Your Kids was first released in Canada in 2004 and became a national bestseller within weeks. The book is now available in the United States and Europe and has been translated into French, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Portuguese, Korean, Italian, Swedish and Norwegian. The book received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, was amazon.ca's top-selling Canadian nonfiction for 2004, struck a responsive chord in reviewers' hearts, and won enthusiastic endorsements from professional colleagues and well-known authors across North America. This book has also generated hundreds of grateful responses from readers and a host of 5-star reviews on amazon.ca and amazon.com. Judging by the books reception, the relational message has been like water to parched earth. Hold On To Your Kids has found its way into many book study groups including school-based parent groups as well as noon-hour teacher groups. Robert Bly, the American poet and author, was so impressed with the wisdom it embodied that he exhorted people “to give a copy to every parent you know”.
There are two editions of this book. The original edition is published by Knopf Canada in hardcover under the title: Hold On To Your Kids: why parents matter.
The objective of the second edition was to create a shorter manuscript that was more accessible to the general readership. According to reader response, this goal was successfully accomplished. This second edition is two chapters and some 20,000 words less and has been reorganized so that the reader does not have to wait so long to get to the how to parts. Despite these advantages, the first edition has a committed following of readers who prefer to get the full gist of Dr. Neufeld's logical arguments and the full enjoyment of Dr. Mate's eloquent writing style. Unfortunately this edition is now out of print but used books are available through the internet. ISBN:0676974716.
The second edition is available in paperback only in both Canada and the United States under the title Hold On To Your Kids: why parents matter more than peers.
In Canada, the publisher is Vintage Canada and is available in most major Canadian bookstores and sometimes in Costco. It can be purchased through amazon.ca. The ISBN is 0676974724. The book is 320 pages in length.
In the United States, the publisher is Ballantine Books (a division of Random House) of New York. The paperback is available, or can be ordered, in most major bookstores in the United States and on the internet through amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. ISBN: 037550821X. 320 pages.
It is this second edition that has been translated into other languages including French, German, Spanish, Italian, Korean, Swedish, Norwegian, Hebrew and Brazilian Portuguese.
Two hour presentation on DVD
Dr. Neufeld has been overwhelmed by requests to present on the subject of the book. Unfortunately he is only able to accept a portion of the invitations he receives. One of these presentations was professionally videographed and produced and is now available for sale. The presentation is suitable for both personal or group viewing and ideal for introducing to those who need a taste first before committing to a book.
This two-hour presentation by captures the heart and soul of his book and the warmth that is hard to convey in writing. Those who have read the book comment on how much more accessible this presentation makes the written material. Those who prefer viewing to reading don't have to miss out on what this book has to offer. To order this DVD, click here.
“A wonderful book and a powerful wakeup call to parents. The authors' description of how peer orientation gets in the way of healthy emotional maturation is both striking and sobering. But the book is also upbeat, as it emphasizes the extreme importance of attachment in child raising and how it can get implemented day to day. I found the book both thoughtful and thought provoking. It is a wise and important book.”
“Hold On To Your Kids is a visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of society. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfill their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book, one to be taken seriously, very seriously.”
“In modern western culture, Hold On To Your Kids clearly illustrates, there is a movement of youth to be less influenced by adults throughout the childhood years, favoring instead an attention to the hypnotic stimuli of media and the visionless guidance of often insensitive peer group behaviors. The result is what these authors call “peer orientation,” the alienation of children away from adult connections and into a form of blind-leading-the-blind downward spiral of psychological and behavioral disorientation. The ripple effect, if this pattern persists, will alter the course of our culture for generations to come. This important book boldly states the problem and maps out plans for its solution. Let us take its suggestions seriously now so that together we can improve the future for our children and their children as well.”
"Hold On to Your Kids blows in from Canada like a Blue Northern, bringing us genuinely new ideas and fresh perspectives on parenting. The authors integrate psychology, anthropology, neurology and their own personal and professional experiences as they examine the "context" of parenting today. This is a worthy book with practical implications for mom and dad."
This book represents a great step forward in grasping the sorrow and suffering that our kids are experiencing. Gordon Neufeld locates this suffering in the child's loss of attachment to parents and increasing preoccupation with peers. Neufeld's mind is powerful, capable of understanding the disastrous direction in which our culture is going. This is a brilliant book on the level of Paul Goodman's Growing Up Absurd. Give a copy of this book to every parent you know.
“With original insights on parent-child attachments and how parents can restore them, this is a book for revitalizing families and rekindling the song in their children's hearts.
Hundreds of e-mails have come from every corner of the US and Canada. The response has been absolutely heartwarming and has made the writing project all worthwhile. Readers' reviews can also be viewed on amazon.ca and amazon.com. Clicking on these links will take you to the right place.
I thought the book was excellent!! I loved the writing style and appreciated the illustrative stories. I am sure you're aware of the wonderful reviews you have received here in Chicago and the prominent displays in the book stores. Congratulations!
Dr. Neufeld. I have just finished reading your book “Hold On To Your Kids”, as recommended to me by several friends and acquaintances … and can't help writing to say I continually nodded and said “He's hit the nail right on the head!”. I am thoroughly convinced of your argument … and if I could give a copy of this book to every person I knew on the occasion of the birth of their child, I would!
I thoroughly enjoyed your book on holding onto your kids. I have never read a more informative book on parenting ever. As a child who did not connect with my parents I was passing this legacy onto my children with little success of reaching my six year old daughter. She was well on her way to the eyeball rolling attitude you describe in your book. Lately I have implemented some of your techniques and have met with great results. I feel your book is ahead of its time and have recommended it for Dr. Laura's “reading corner” online. I really hope you'll write more books and enlighten parents in the future. Thank you!!!
I am weeping with relief, feeling truly understood for the first time in 60 years. I feel like I think Helen Keller may have felt when she suddenly had language to articulate her inner life. I can feel a lifetime logjam of anger and frustration loosening and letting go. Thank you.
I just finished your book a few days ago, and can only say WOW! I've already bought two copies, loaned out my library copy to a friend who teaches 5th grade locally, and am about to send out a big email urging my clients and friends to rush out for the book. It was truly an inspiration, and the almost eerie thing was that over and over again you were talking about things or offering advice that I've been doing or saying for years, and have hardly ever seen mentioned by anyone else.
Your book changed the life of one little girl. And two adults are better people because of it. Thank you so very very much.
As important as are Dr. Neufeld's insights into how peers can replace parents, even more valuable is the comprehensive framework for understanding psychological/emotional development that he outlines. These insights alone were more than worth the price of the book and truly answer why parents matter. This book is more comprehensive and more in-depth than any other I've ever read.
I've read all the books on parenting and this is simply the best.
Your book has transformed my life and my parenting. The most incredible thing is that once I started following your suggestions, my daughter's behaviour changed almost immediately. I am so convinced of the soundness and naturalness of your ideas that I have sent information about the book to all of my friends and family members - not just parents, but also teachers and people who have children in their lives generally.
The pages are so marked with highlighter and comments that it has become a most cherished piece of writing.
This book will be the blueprint of the decade bringing families back to their intended design.
There is something here for every age group, from preschool through high school. It's also most assuredly not just a catalog of problems, but a well-developed thesis leading to the insight necessary for solutions. Several chapters in the final section would be worth the price alone. "Discipline That Does Not Divide" is an excellent parenting primer, while "Create a Village of Attachment" will help both parents and teachers ensure that their charges profit from their school experience.
I work part-time at Barnes and Noble and actually stumbled across your book while browsing the Family and Childcare section. I've just finished it, and Wow, what a great book. I am so glad I found it. The information in it will benefit our family for years and years to come.
This book is changing my life. I have been searching for years and I have finally found what I was looking for. My son is almost 5 years old and our relationship has been adversarial to an extreme degree. A friend gave me your book and now I have hope in restoring the relationship I have with my son.
Recently I bought "Hold On To Your Kids" and of the (many!) parenting books I have come across, this has been the most useful.
The book was amazing. It was literally like a light bulb going off above my head... it all made so much sense! I am going to pass copy of this book on to every parent I know. Thanks so much for the wonderful information.
I read your book this past summer and was hit by a tidal wave of recognition. When you said you've been doing this work for 30 years I just felt sad that I hadn't found you earlier. I would have been a much better teacher for it, let alone a mom.
Yesterday, I purchased your book Hold On To Your Kids and have not been able to put it down. I am absolutely BLOWN AWAY with it. Not only is it thorough and comprehensive, it's easy to read (a real plus in my books.) As a counselor, parenting coach and mother of four, I was reading it from both a professional and personal perspective and found it hit home in many areas. It's one of the best books on parenthood that I have read in a long time.
I cannot put 'Hold on to your Kids' down - It is brilliant - it makes perfect sense - it explains what is happening with kids today
I have been reading your book for the last month or so and I absolutely love it. Thank you for your wonderful insights. Definitely one of the most affirming and thought provoking books about parenting that I've read in years.
This book is awesome. Thank you for writing it, and proving what I as a parent have believed for the past 10 years. This book provides great constructive information to prevent and heal detached families.
If parents (and teachers) were only able to read one book (parenting or other)this would be the one. An absolute phenomenal book that I have such a strong attachment to (no pun intended!!) I have already bought three copies( myself and 2 "gifts" for friends) and have recommended the book to numerous parents, teachers, and administrators.
Your work has been of enormous benefit to all of us who have children or who work with kids in schools, etc. The biggest change may be in having HOPE that eroded relationships can be rebuilt, or that tentative relationships with our kids can be strengthened in enduring ways.
Preface
Acknowledgments
PART ONE
The Phenomenon of Peer Orientation
1 -- In Our Own Backyard
2 -- A Matter of Attachment
3 -- An Attachment Affair
4 -- Why We’ve Come Undone
PART TWO
The Legacy of Peer Orientation (Why We Must Hold On)
5 -- The Power to Parent Is Slipping Away
6 -- Help Turned to Hinderance
7 -- Obedience Turned to Resistance
8 -- The Dangerous Flight from Vulnerability
9 -- Stuck in Immaturity
10 -- A Faulty Assumption
11 -- The Flatlining of Culture
12 -- A Legacy of Aggression
13 -- Bullies Begotten
14 -- A Sexual Turn
15 -- Unteachable Students
PART THREE
How to Hold On to Our Children
16 -- Collecting Our Children
17 -- Don’t Court the Competition
18 -- Preserve the Ties That Empower
19 -- Discipline That Does Not Divide
20 -- Create a Village of Attachment
Endnotes
Index
To download Chapter One of the second edition (the Canadian paperback and American publications), click here. We hope it will give you enough of the feel and content of the book that you will be able to judge whether it is worth your time and energy to read. Of course, we hope that this excerpt will whet your appetite for more. The full edition should be at a bookstore near you.
Ballantine Books Press Release
CONTACT: Gilly Hailparn
212/782-8313
ghailparn@randomhouse.com
HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS
Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D.
HOW TO REPAIR THE CRITICAL BREAKDOWN OF PARENTAL INFLUENCE AND OVERTURN "PEER-ORIENTATION"
A Leading Factor in the Agression, Bullying, Hypersexuality and Suicide
Seen Among Today's Youth
Parenthood today is being undermined in almost every way possible. In what is sure to be one of the more controversial books on parenting children and teenagers, HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Ballantine Books; $23.95 Hardcover; May 2, 2005), Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., an international authority on child development, and bestselling author Gabor Maté, M.D., illuminate one of the most disturbing and misunderstood issues facing parents: peers replacing them as the primary influence in the lives of their kids.
Dr. Neufeld, a clinical psychologist with over thirty years of experience working with children, says that the consequences of what he calls “peer orientation” are at a dire point and are felt in almost every home and classroom. He says that nature never intended children to bring each other up. “When children look to each other for values, a sense of themselves and for validation, they stop developing and maturing in healthy ways.”
Doctors Neufeld and Maté argue that this phenomenon of “peer orientation” undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, poisons the school atmosphere and fosters an aggressive and prematurely sexualized youth culture. Being “cool” matters more to kids than anything else. They naturally look to their friends for everything-from how to dress and how to talk, to how to behave. Dr. Neufeld says there is nothing wrong with kids making close friends. “Having friends is normal and natural. What is abnormal and unnatural is being alienated from parents and teachers. In our rush for our children to be independent, we don't always recognize that they have shifted their attachment to the peer group until it may be too late.”
We have lost the power to parent, the natural authority that arises from attachment, says Neufeld. “To regain the power to parent,” write Neufeld and Maté, “we must bring our children into full dependence on us-not just physical dependence but psychological and emotional too, as nature has ever intended.”
HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS shows parents how they can reclaim their peer-oriented children and maintain a positive connection with them to counteract overwhelming peer pressure. Dr. Neufeld's practical advice will empower parents to be for their children what nature intended: the true source of guidance, security and love.
About the Authors
GORDON NEUFELD, Ph.D., is a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist with over thirty years of experience working with children and those who parent and teach them. He has a widespread reputation for his ability to make sense of difficult and complex problems and to open doors for change and his insights are in demand by professionals and parents across the country. Dr. Neufeld is also nationally recognized for his work on aggression and violence among children and youth and appears regularly on radio and television.
GABOR MATÉ, M.D., is a physician in Vancouver with experience in family practice, palliative care and psychotherapy. He is the bestselling author of When the Body Says No and Scattered Minds. His by-line is often seen in the The Globe and Mail on articles and commentary ranging from health to politics. He is presently staff physician at a clinic in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, where he treats patients with drug addictions, HIV and related problems.
Hold On To Your Kids
Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
By Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D.
Ballantine Books Hardcover; $23.95
On-sale May 2, 2005; ISBN: 0-375-50821-X
www.ballantinebooks.com
- Vintage Canada Press Release -
The crisis of childrearing in our society is witnessed by the increased alienation of our children; the rise in parental frustration and anxiety; the stress on teachers; and by statistics indicating epidemic drug use among youth, widespread bullying, and such dangerous practices as extreme sports. The national bestseller, HOLD ON TO YOUR KiDS: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers, by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Dr. Gabor Maté, M.D. provides a revolutionary analysis of this psychological and cultural malaise. This book stands current childrearing wisdom on its head and, at the same time, provides a cutting-edge analysis of what amounts to a large scale cultural breakdown.
Vast economic and cultural changes since the Second World War have resulted in kids looking to their peers for direction and guidance, instead of parents and other nurturing adults. They seek from each other cues on how to be, how to act and how to look, what to find meaningful and what to be interested in. The authors call this phenomenon peer orientation. Signs of a peer-oriented child can be present as early as kindergarten and become visible by Grade 2 or 3. Peer orientation arrests healthy maturation, squelches individuality and fosters the development of an aggressive and hypersexualized youth culture, pandered to by the media, the entertainment and fashion industries.
The authors do not resort to typical quick fixes like groundings and time outs or, in the schools, ineffective anti-bullying programs and moral preaching. The practical guidance they offer will help parents reconnect with their kids, teachers with their students and restore the natural nurturing dynamic between adults and children in our culture. For the parents of young children this book provides an indispensable primer on child development and on what it takes to raise emotionally healthy children who respect themselves and can live in harmony with their world.
Hold On To Your Kids has met an enthusiastic reception both in Canada and the U.S. “This is a brilliant book, on the level of Paul Goodman's Growing Up Absurd,” the U.S. poet and social critic Robert Bly has written. “Give a copy to every parent you know.”
GORDON NEUFELD, PH.D., is a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience working with children, their parents and those who teach them. His insights are in demand by professionals and parents across the country. Dr. Neufeld is nationally recognized for his work on aggression and violence among children and youth.
GABOR MATÉ, M.D., is a physician in Vancouver with experience in family practice, palliative care and psychotherapy. He is the bestselling author of When the Body Says No and Scattered Minds and often writes for The Globe and Mail with articles and commentary ranging from health to politics. His work is well recognized and has been the subject of articles in many major newspapers across Canada.
National Bestseller HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers is now available in trade paperback
To set up interviews please contact
Michele J Morcinek at 416-957-1578
mmorcinek@randomhouse.com
- Knopf Canada Press Release -
HOLD ONTO YOUR KIDS: Why Parents Matter is, without a doubt, the most important book on children and parenthood--and, in some essential ways, on education--to be published in North America in the last fifty years. This book pairs up a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues and a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time - peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.
Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. Peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for the increasing frustration experienced by parents and teachers these days. It clarifies, for the first time, the underlying dynamics of schoolyard bullying and youth violence. Its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, BC. Its less dramatic but also pernicious consequences are felt in almost every home and classroom in the increasing alienation of children and youth from the nurturing adults in their lives. Peer orientation is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS: Why Parents Matter. Once understood, it becomes self-evident - as do the solutions.
HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the adult-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS will empower parents and teachers to satisfy children's inborn need to find direction by turning towards them, the care giving adults, for authority, contact and warmth.
GORDON NEUFELD, Ph.D., is a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist with over thirty years of experience working with children and those who parent and teach them. He has a widespread reputation for his ability to make sense of difficult and complex problems and to open doors for change. His insights are in demand by professionals and parents across the country. Dr. Neufeld is nationally recognized for his work on aggression and violence among children and youth and appears regularly on radio and television.
GABOR MATÉ, M.D., is a physician in Vancouver with experience in family practice, palliative care and psychotherapy. He is the bestselling author of When the Body Says No and Scattered Minds. His by-line is often seen in the The Globe and Mail for his articles and commentary ranging from health to politics. His work has been the subject of articles in many major newspapers across Canada. He is presently staff physician at a clinic in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside, where his patients are people with drug addictions, HIV and related problems.
There have been scores of interviews across North America with numerous return invitations. Interviewers have found Dr. Neufeld engaging and is approach refreshing. Some of the best interviews have been on national public radio stations and affiliates. An interview was scheduled for the Today Show but unfortunately pre-empted by more pressing matters. Many readers would like to see Dr. Neufeld interviewed by Oprah but she has yet to call. Below are three sample interviews, two national television and one national radio. (Quicktime Required)