It is simply not possible to make sense of kids without having some understanding of the counterwill dynamic. Counterwill is the name for the natural human instinct to resist being controlled. Although not unique to humans, this dynamic is certainly the most complex and developed in our species. The counterwill instinct is, in essence, an allergy to coercion. Though we as adults experience this reaction routinely, we seem to be surprised when we encounter it in children. Counterwill is undoubtedly one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted dynamics in children. To understand it is to lay the foundation for knowing how to deal with it.

Over the years Dr. Neufeld’s counterwill material has been the most requested from parent groups, community colleges, correctional institutes and the educational community. His theory of counterwill is introduced in Gabor Mates bestselling book on attention deficit disorder, Scattered Minds. Two chapters in this book are devoted primarily to this dynamic.

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Brief Synopsis

The counterwill instinct is actually very simple: an instinctive reaction to felt coercion. The simplicity of the dynamic is in sharp contrast however to the trouble it creates - for parents, for teachers and for anyone dealing with children. It creates a perplexing dilemma in that the very thing that is most expected or demanded becomes the least likely to be realized.

This instinctive resistance can take many forms. It can present itself as the reactive ‘no’ of the toddler, the ‘you aren’t my boss’ of the preschooler, as balkiness when hurried, as disobedience or defiance, or even as laziness or lack of motivation. It can manifest itself in a working to rule, in procrastination, or in doing the opposite of what is expected. It can be expressed as passivity, negativity or argumentativeness. It can be experienced by an adult as insolence or belligerence. It can create a preoccupation with taboo or antisocial attitudes within a child. When pervasive and severe, the child is incorrigible and may qualify for a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Dsorder. It is such a universal phenomenon at certain stages of development that it has given rise to the terms ‘terrible two’s’ and ‘rebellious teens’. Despite the myriad of manifestations, the underlying dynamic is deceptively simple - a defensive reaction to felt coercion.

Because so few adults are conscious of this dynamic in children, the void in understanding has given rise to a multitude of misperceptions and consequent mishandling of this dynamic. Counterwill is most often misperceived as being intentional or ‘on purpose’ as opposed to instinctive and provoked. Adults are forever misinterpreting counterwill in a child as a manifestation of being strong willed, as challenging authority, as being manipulative, as trying to get one’s way, as intentionally pushing the adult’s buttons or as simply asking for it. How we perceive a child’s behaviour will influence how we react to it. Unfortunately when we misperceive counterwill, we are likely to react in ways that actually exacerbate the dynamic. Furthermore, we are at risk of endangering the relationship that provides the context for working with the child.

There are three factors controlling the existence of this dynamic in a child: attachment, maturation and coercion. Strong attachments often preempt the counterwill reaction in a child. On the other hand, when immature beings are bossed around by adults they are not attached to, they instinctively resist being controlled. It simply does not feel right for a child to do the bidding of those they are not attached to. The implications for our society are profound as it is our custom to farm out our children to strangers to help raise them. Our educational system is crippled by counterwill yet very few are even aware of this dynamic. The very fact that so many children lose their desire to learn and only do as much as they have to, is a testimony to the power of the counterwill dynamic.

Counterwill is normal in the toddler and preschooler. Because these children can only operate out of one dynamic at a time, whenever attachment instincts are not engaged, pressure will provoke resistance. Children grow out of the impulsive expression of counterwill when they become capable of mixed feelings. For most children, this is by school age but there are many adults who never get there. Unfortunately, not all children grow up as they get older, and those that are incapable of mixed feelings are easily provoked when the coercive elements of a situation are greater than the forces of attachment.

Under certain conditions, counterwill can be pervasive and intense, becoming the modus operandi of the child. If these conditions prevail the child may even qualify for a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This is an unfortunate misnomer as there is nothing wrong with the counterwill instinct in itself. It is more likely that the child’s attachments are disordered or the social environment of the child is disordered. Children stuck in immature functioning were never meant to be bossed around by those they were not personally attached to. When teachers and teaching assistants are put into such a situation, the challenges are profound. Trying to deal with this dynamic with traditional behaviour management techniques is a recipe for disaster. Again, intervention needs to be based on a foundation of understanding.

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Genesis of the Material

My formal introduction to the construct of counterwill was rather serendipitous. I was preparing to teach a university course on personality theory in the 1970’s when I stumbled upon Otto Rank’s theory of counterwill which he had proposed at the turn of the century. Somehow this gem of a concept had been overshadowed by other theories and theorists of the day and never received the attention it deserved. Dr. Rank perceived counterwill as the developmental forerunner of a child’s sense of autonomy. He also perceived counterwill as the greatest source of insecurity in children, largely because of the rather adverse reactions most parents have to being resisted or countered. In his words, the greatest danger of counterwill is that it threatened to ‘break the union between parent and child’.

Reading this in the context of contemporary knowledge of the attachment and maturation processes, it became immediately apparent to me that this was a vital missing piece required to make sense children. Counterwill explained all kinds of things: why toddlers were so difficult to handle, why teenagers rebelled, why praise sometimes backfired, why rewards can be counterproductive, why some kids are preoccupied with taboo, why some children do the opposite of what is expected. Otto Rank was very much ahead of his time and intuited something that was actually much bigger than he possibly could have realized. The more I have studied counterwill, the more impressed I have become with its power to explain behaviour that otherwise is perplexing as well as with the profoundness of the implications in our day and age. I have spent over a quarter of a century contemplating counterwill and it never ceases to open new doors of insight and understanding.

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Suitability and Applicability

The counterwill dynamic is universal. It exists in all but the very young and the very disturbed. It is extremely troublesome to parents of toddlers and preschoolers because of their impulsiveness and lack of mixed feelings. It is also a troubling dynamic in school-aged children who are not properly attached to those responsible for them or who are psychologically immature. The counterwill dynamic is, of course, legendary in adolescence and often referred to as ‘rebellion’.

The counterwill dynamic is something every parent and teacher should be familiar with. If this dynamic is not understood or if it is taken personally, our reactions to increase coercion can be counterproductive as well as damaging to the relationship. Counterwill is a crippling dynamic in the school system, causing children to become passive in their learning, to work to rule, to procrastinate and to resist doing the bidding of their teachers. Children who are stuck developmentally and who are not attached properly are daunting to deal with because of their elevated counterwill instincts. If counterwill is not understood, our typical reactions actually exacerbate the problem.

The earlier one becomes familiar with counterwill, the better. The parenting of toddlers and preschoolers goes much better with a working knowledge of this dynamic. This material is also suitable as a hosted seminar or course for general audiences and as professional development for educators and for teaching assistants. The material is particularly suitable for those that work with children that are difficult to manage.

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Formats and Versions

This material can be introduced in a talk, presented in a seminar or developed in a day or multi-day course. Depending upon the target audience, the title and content will be adjusted accordingly. The most common titles are Counterwill in Children, Making Sense of Counterwill, The Counterwill Problem and Counterwill and Adolescence.

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Overlap with Other Material

The counterwill theme is interwoven into much of the material on attachment, stuckness, peer orientation preschoolers, power to parent and adolescence. Usually the concept can only be introduced in other presentations as there is not enough time to develop it sufficiently. Devoting a day to this subject provides a chance to expand on this dynamic and to provide suggestions for how to deal with it.

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Sample Blurbs

• directed primarily towards parents

No one likes to be pushed around, including children. Usually the counterwill instinct is softened by the child’s need to make things work with us. Sometimes however, when coercion is strong or the attachment is weak or the child immature, the counterwill reaction can be intense. It can express itself in direct opposition, negativity, ‘working to rule’, dragging feet, lack of motivation, laziness, noncompliance, belligerence and even antisocial attitudes and actions. Counterwill is tricky business; the very fact that something is important to us makes many kids feel less like doing it. And sometimes we end up pushing all the wrong buttons in a child no matter how careful we are to disguise our agendas. For most children, these are fleeting reactions. But for kids stuck in counterwill, it never feels right to do our bidding. In this presentation, Dr. Neufeld discusses the counterwill reaction and the challenges it creates for parenting. He also provides some suggestions for reducing resistance and for helping a child grow out of it.

• directed to educators

Every child is somewhat allergic to coercion but this reaction is usually preempted by the attachment dynamic or tempered by mixed feelings. When these mitigating factors are missing, counterwill can become quite intense, making behaviour management a real challenge. If severe enough, a student will qualify for a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

The counterwill instinct creates significant challenges for teachers in both the learning and behavioural spheres. It can be expressed in numerous ways: as working to rule, argumentativeness, noncompliance, preoccupation with taboo, contrariness, doing the opposite of what is expected, lack of motivation, negativity, incorrigibility, belligerence, defiance, laziness and so on. For most kids these are fleeting reactions but for those stuck in counterwill, it never feels right to do our bidding. Battling counterwill is an exercise in futility. In this seminar or course, Dr. Neufeld explains the counterwill reaction and suggest ways to work with those students that are hypersensitive to coercion.

• for a general audience

Counterwill is a name for the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. This resistance can take many forms: opposition, negativism, laziness, noncompliance, disrespect, lack of motivation, belligerence, incorrigibility and even antisocial attitudes and actions. It can also express itself in resistance to learning. Despite the multitude of manifestations, the underlying dynamic is deceptively simple - a defensive reaction to perceived control or coercion.

Counterwill is undoubtedly the most misunderstood and misinterpreted dynamic in adult-child relations. It creates a perplexing dilemma in that what is most demanded or expected from a child can become the least likely to be realized. Understanding the role of counterwill in the development process is the key to knowing how to handle it. A three-pronged approach to safely defusing counterwill and to handling the resistant child or adolescent will be discussed.

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Topics Addressed

As time permits, the topics to be addressed include:

• the many faces of counterwill
  
  
• the meaning of counterwill
  
  
• how to differentiate between counterwill that is healthy and counterwill that is a sign of something amiss
  
  
• a three-pronged approach to dealing with counterwill
  
  
• why praise and reward can backfire in some children
  
  
• why counterwill is normal in toddlers and preschoolers
  
  
• why the educational system provokes counterwill in our children
  
  
• why pervasive counterwill is a sign of attachment problems
  
  
• how children usually grow out of counterwill
  
  
• why chronic counterwill is a sign of psychological immaturity
  
  
• the importance of not taking counterwill personally
  
  
• how to prevent and defuse counterwill in children
  
  
• how to safeguard one’s relationship against the fallout from counterwill
  
  
• how to avoid a battle of counterwill’s
  
  
• how to differentiate between a child with a strong will and one with a strong counterwill
  
  
• how to help children grow out of counterwill

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